It's Hope... That Keeps Me Fighting

so air is leakin out of one of my tires... whichs sucks so i have to get that fix... i think the ppl at the place i went to last time did somethin to it cuz they had to fill up my tank... they prob didnt.. but i still hold them as suspects...

im almost 100 percent sure i need glasses.. cuz i cant see that far anymore... n it mite be why my headaches stay longer now n get a lil worse...


i wonder how long im goin to feel this way..

i wonder when its goin to stop..


but like i said i brought this on to myself... so i jus have to endure..


cant go bk to the way i was before... i promise myself i wouldnt


jus gotta think positive..

gettin by day by day.... skool is comin closer n closer to an end... so i got a shit a load a work to do... and dam it is hard stay focus... dont kno wat it is but i will work really hard.. then get sum where along the way get lazy... so i need to find a way to stay focus... cuz i gotta do good.. so i can get a job sumwhere..

i went to breakfast wit the animators.. abdel and tyler... n as along good trip... talked about life stuff using food as an example... and learned... if i have choc. pancakes and like them but also have had eggs and like those to... and have to come to a decision... i can go the safe route and enjoy my eggs becuz it hard to fuck up eggs or i can give the pancakes that always fill me up... but everybody makes pancakes different so jus cuz they are good sum where else doesnt mean they are good there.... but that also doesnt mean i should shut them out because im afraid to take the chance... and if i do take the chance n they come out bad i should not regret choosing them and think about how much i would be enjoyin the eggs... because the same thing could of happened wit the eggs... and aside from both i could always go for something completely new jus to change the order n pattern of things....

so overall... enjoy the things you know are good... take the chance of trying something different... and never take away the possibility of something new... because they all have a certain taste whether good or bad... whether you savor it or not.. the taste will go away.. so if you do take a chance n hate it.. know in the moments, secs, minutes, hours, years the taste will be gone and the experience will be long gone.. same goes with the good.. you cant always get the same thing because you will forget what made it so good in the first place.. so change things up for a bit... and on those certain days when you indecisiveness is at its peak pick something completely new and different... because the worst thing to happen is you spend your money and die... lol kidding.. you spend your money and know for next time what not to get...

how you or i can apply this simple lesson in life... well it can be applied to many different situations and yada yada yada...

so wat did i pick? if you know me well enough than you will know, or you may just be surprised if you don't and are jus some random person who stumble across this lj well than who cares what i got.

do what you want, because you should always come first.

Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: John Legend- Green Light

[John Legend:]
Give me the Greenlight
Give me just one night
I'm ready to go right now
I'm ready to go right now

I'm ready to go right now
I'm ready to go right now

I see you move, I'm checking your smile
Working your back like it's going out of style
Shake just a little bit faster
Shake just a little now girl
Dying to meet you, so let's mess around
I've got an obsession of us getting down
Come just a little bit closer
I just need permission so just...

Give me the greenlight
Give me just one night
I'm ready to go right now
I'm ready to go right now
We can go all night
Give me the greenlight
I'm ready to go right now
I'm ready to go right now

I want your green greenlight
But if it's what it seems like
Then we can get it moving baby
Cause we know it's gonna be right

I'm ready to go right now
I'm ready to go right now

[Andre 3000:]
I want your green redlight
I wanna see what you dance like
But if I can be your buddy
Help you study and get your head right

[John Legend:]
I'm ready to go right now
I'm ready to go right now

Do I have a girlfriend... technically no.
If you'll be my girlfriend then I'll make it so
You'll be my only true lover
No competition, no others
Baby it's just the thrill of the chase
But I've got a feeling that I'm winning this race!
Baby I'm in much closer
I just need permission so...

[John Legend:]
Give me the greenlight...
Give me just one night.
I'm ready to go right now!
I'm ready to go right now
We can go all night
Give me the greenlight
I'm ready to go right now
I'm ready to go right now

[Andre 3000:]
I want your green greenlight
But if it's what it seems like
Then we can get it moving baby
Cause we know it's gonna be right

[John Legend:]
I'm ready to go right now
I'm ready to go right now

[Andre 3000:]
I want your green redlight
I wanna see what you dance like
But if I can be your buddy
Help you study and get your head right

[Andre 3000:]
So I went hard like Madusa staring at me
I told her let's go, let's blow this lame nigga factory
She said, What type of girl do you think I are
The kind that you meet in a bar
You think you can get whatever you want cause you some kinda star
No I'm a comet
I just want you woman
Hey, If I were you then It would be me that I go home with
3, the one and only
One thing you ain't considered
I heard you when you told your girl "ooo he can get it"
Admit it
You did it
Let's hop a cab and split it
I'm kiddin
We both going to where you livin
HA, I got you gigglin like I'm piglet
Oh that's the ticket
I hope you are more like anita baker than robin givens
No, I don't know that lady so let me quit it
I'm just style freein, freestylin with ya'll soundin you
That's just what I'm telling you
Should be in bed with you
Like I've been in jail for two
Years and then they let me loose

[Chorus]

[Andre 3000:]
You got you one legend
Sometimes you gotta step from behind the piano
And let em know what's going on
Even stevie wonder got down sometimes
I'm ready to go

Current Mood: bouncy

i hope some day ill be able to get thru all this...

had one of the best weekends ive had in a while...

steak strips and rice pilaf and potatoes with andrew, scott and paige
and ZELDA TWILIGHT!!!! AHHH I LOVE THAT GAME I AM SO GETTIN A FUCKING WII
FUCK XBOX... well not really but ahhh
and
chipotle with abdel, tyler, and chris.. having another one of our racist talks.. gotta love them

awesome weekend..

simple.. just the way i like it... and tho i will forget how happy and content i feel now.. its nice to have these moments every once and a while... to remind me that im actually living.. and not sum heartless robot that does nothin but skool n try to please ppl

i may not be the happiest person but im slowly gettin there jus gotta remember the simple things in life n jus keep truckin thru it all.. cuz tho times may suck its those moments of sheer happiness that makes everythin else worth it..

so i may have hated cvi and being so far from skool... but honestly it was the best thing for me n im glad i stayed and met the ppl i did...

so though i might hate you mother... your choices as bad as they sometimes mite be... hold a lil somethin in them.. usually its jus pure luck tho.. but regardless i guess it was best after all.. i neva admit it.. but.. ugh.. i hate to say this... thank you

Current Mood: happy
Current Music: Hollywood Undead

everything we do is for a reason... whether good or bad its still for a reason...

its easy to forget that..




self pity is such a horrible thing you know.. =/

I hate to see you cry
Lying there in that position
There's things you need to hear
So turn off your tears and listen

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

You know it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
Then the circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

(Whistle Interlude)

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who's misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good

I know it's good

Current Mood: calm

"Plus who are you foolin we all know deep down your just another white guy."


my fuckin god... why are ppl so fuckin stupid... this is the exact fuckin reason im leavin this god forsaken country and hope it fuckin burns down sum day... ppl cant see ppl as ppl.. they have to fit in sum fuckin stereo type cuz thats all the fuckin no... so fuckin tired of it..

i wish i could jus kill every1 whose ever called me white... to get it outta ppls head not to say fuckin shit..

im so fuckin done wit ppl..

truth is... i want to do somethin more excitin wit my life.. then play wit a computer all day.. doin endless amounts of codes. and bringin imaginary creatures to life... its nice.. n way betta than a desk job... wit dumb paper work... but i jus want to do more.. i want to say i lived... i want to be a SEAL...

i kno if i do it.. ill be alone.. but arent i always.. im scared of leavin every1 behind but ive been gone for two years... and i dont kno how to n dont really want to go bk to bein that person i was or livin that life i lived.. i want more... n hell if i could play soccer for the rest of my life i would.. i would do it n a heart beat n give myself to it... but things didnt turn out that way...

i want to jus for once prove to myself n every1 else i can be more than jus me... that i can do great things to.. i want to accomplish n complete somethin in my life.. n just be proud... i havent felt proud of myself.. since wat 8th grade.. when i score a goal in a shoot out during the playoffs of braintree youth soccer... that was jus about the last time i did anythin for any1 to say good job.. or jus to surprise ppl... since then ive been wat... the funny guy.. the nice guy.. the guy who knows everybody... the guy with a bunch a friends... like i havent been the talented one.. oh i won unsung hero in 10th grade... the person who tries hard but barely gets any credit.. you know the person who does the right thing n gets no glory... n honestly i like that status.. i rather do good n have ppl kno it in the back of there minds then be given any time of frame or attention... i kill myself in soccer because its sometimes its jus me on the field protectin the goal... its wat i like to do protect.. what can i say im a super hero at heart...

n in all honestly the only thing holdin me bk the only thing thats eva been holdin me bk is jus that im scared a being alone... like i can do it.. ive done it n i have forced myself to do it... but in my mind theres a piece of me that jus wants to rest... be wit sum1 n just enjoy everyday life... im a simple person wit simple needs... its how ive always been... well not complete simple needs i have an adventurous side to me... but nothin insane.. other than sky divin.. n jumpin off sumthin really really high into water... that you can blame on movies... but u kno it would be nice not to have such a complicated live.. n ya ya i make my life complicated n blah blah... but honestly my life down here is simple i do skool n hang out wit ppl when im not drowned wit work... no real drama no anythin.. im outta the loop n i like it... less to worry about... but home.. ha home is jus filled wit such stupid stuff.. thats why i always hesitate on comin bk... i kno the bullshit im goin have to go through... hang out wit as many ppl as i can.. kill myself in the process.. make a shit load a plans.. regret sum of them... bullshit bullshit bullshit... i like seein every1 i do... but really i jus like the thought of seein every1 most ppl meh... when i need ya the most your not around so why care now... really its jus a few ppl i like seein.. a really really small few.. i can count on one hand.. every1 else... i dont really see them as part of my life anymore.. i miss then n ya would love to go bk to high skool jus to see them again... but theres only a like wat 5 ppl if that that i can jus bullshit wit n do nothin...

n honestly the ppl i can do nothin with are the ppl that are my most favorite ppl to be with.. every1 else.. well they have there own type of favorite ppl..


i remember i said i would never change.. but no one is the same anymore... n theres nothin i can do to change or stop it... so in order to deal wit it i must change to..

but ya navy... i miss train for somethin.. i miss havin a goal.. i miss havin a purpose...

hmm... still feel empty... i wonder how long it will last..
there used to be this warm feelin that would get me by
but ive jus feel hollow now.. to the point where i kinda dont mind it
jus another part of me i guess..

but i said i would have good news so here..


I passed PCC1 therefore only 3 more months to go.. then internship then bk home i suppose...

I gotta get betta at wat i do.. i just have 2

i was gonna write somethin sad but decided against... ill try to find somethin happy to write about soon..

You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of a sudden even though you have some place where you put your shit, that idea of home is gone.

You'll see one day when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it's gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I don't know, but I miss the idea of it, you know. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place.

sumtimes you jus have to believe.. even when you got nothin to believe in...


i really want to... but i cant find it in me


its in the times that u need some one or need to hear somethin inspiring..


that you find yourself alone surround by nothin but quietness..

and i jus want to scream...

so angry... for no reason.. jus mad.. so fuckin mad..

miss carzoo once told me... in order to change yourself you must realize wat you dont like about yourself first and then you can decide who you want to become and become it...

i kno.. i do this all the time.. its always the same..

as i have said a million times... i hate change.. i hate growin up.. i hate things disappearin...

idk wat it is but i dont think ill ever be able to move on or let go of my past.. of where i was or who i was with...

things only seem to be gettin harder...

frustrated and burnt out...

i wish i was betta.. n i wish i had a solid plan about wat im doin wit my life..

im tired of skool.. im tired of always suckin at wat i do.. im tired of not havin any time to enjoy anythin.. im tired of not enjoyin anythin... im jus tired..

but oh well.. gotta keep pushin forward... eventually ill get that break.. i hope..

why is it so fuckin hard to clean up after yourself.. like really? wat are you waitin for your fuckin mother to do it... like always.. when i say somethin.. it eventually always end up undoin itself... tony lyons cant fuckin clean up after himself if his life depended on it.. and ruy cant fuckin help out for shit... god i hate living with these two... one is to immature n the other is jus inconsiderate... like ruy why the fuck do u sleep wit the light on.. your fuckin 28! what are you scared of the dark? and tony you dont live wit ur parents anymore so mommy isnt gonna take care of every mess you make... this is why i like livin alone.. ppl are so fuckin messy at times i jus fuckin hate it... ah wateva bk to fuckin work...

ive always been on both sides of the fence... ive always seen what my actions can cause and do.. the pain it can bring sum1... i hate it... and i hate me... idk...

i kno ive been sayin this foreva but nothin eva changes...

no matta wat you always lose... thats what it seems like

i jus am really angry rite now...

so in class today... which was by far the best slide show presentation ive eva seen n the longest... we went over greatest... and what it really takes to be great at something... and this guy Malcolm Gladwell study wat was it that all the greatest athletes, musicians, artist, writes, poets, inventors, and etc... took did to reach the top. What was it that made these people stand above the rest. And its pretty obvious of course... practice... practice practice practice... but how much do you have to practice until your great... well that can not be completely calculated but.. there is though an overall average that Malcolm came up with.. 10,000 hours... 10,000 hours of pure practice and hard work... 10,000 hours of dedication... so bein great at something jus takes 10,000 hours of your time...

so lets do the math
24 hours in a day
356 days in a year

10,000/24= 417 days
417/ 365= 1 years and 52 days

thats what it would take non- stop to be great

but lets be realistic
you have to sleep, you have to eat, bathroom, and take breaks
so lets say

7 hours will be sleep
3 hours for eating, bathroom, and breaks
and
2 hours extra for the unexpected
so 12 hours of the day is spent not working
and just 12 hours of work

so
lets double everything
834 days
2 years and 104 days

but lets say you have a job
or you get sick
or you get hurt
or something unexpected

the time gets less and less that you have to become great

and lets remember that all this time that I am factoring
DOES NOT INCLUDE
Friends and/ or Family

so to bring everything into effect give you and average of perhaps 2 to 4 hours daily to become great
so
10,000/2 daily= 5,000
5,000/ 365 days= 13years 255days

13years and 255 days to become great

so by the time im 33 ill be great at something...

so in order to speed up the process i must cut some things out..
cant cut out food, sleep, bathroom, breaks, job, hurt, unexpected
the only thing i could cut out would be friends and family..

now my friends are basically my family..
would it really be worth it to be great in a faster time..
?
my answer is no..
even though the one things ive always wanted was to be good at something.
ofcouse everyone wants that..
but most ppl dont have the dedication to stick wit what ever it was they wanted..
so clearly they neva really wanted it..

so many times have i sacrificed something for people..
so does that mean that i didnt really want it?
no i did.
most of the things i wanted ive let simple out of my hands..
but i did it becuz i believed it was worth it..
i've always believed that peoples happiness is greater than my own.
and countless times ive been told im wrong.
but if we always did wat wanted how many people would be left unhappy and simply screwed over

and im not perfected
ive chosen me at times
but in the end up questioning or regretting my decision
though i was happy doing wateva it was that i chose
after wards i jus ended up questionin it
and the memories i have of being happy are there
but the feelin is gone.
so where does that leave me?

in almost constant regret or confusion
because i want to do the right thing
but that most part isnt always the best thing
so how do you decide?
"follow your heart"
then what live with the outcome?
sorry but i rather not live my life always wonderin or regrettin

i mean i try not to be always im left in the same place
so will i ever truly be able to be happy?
yes i probably will.
if i simply forget these things
and ignore the things that happen

but will i?
can i?

no i wont
and no i couldnt

theres is to much to jus simply forget or ignore

there for sum reason is a burden i carry of im not to sure what
and im not to sure why

but it seems the only way ill be happy
is to be alone and push everyone out

but thats impossible becuz its people that drive my happiness
i feed off a people's energy to boost my own

without ppl.. well im this
neutral
content at best but without real joy and no real sadness
but im not even this.. cuz though i have no one around
im gettin my energy from music
im most likely in the state that i am becuz of the music im listenin to
which makes sense seeing how im listenin to random classical/ orchestrated (i think i made that up)
soundtracks of random movies.. thank you pandora

so with out the music wat am i?
jus empty i suppose
jus a person looking for answers
for reasons


where is this all leading to?

no where really..
just my thoughts from one to another
jumpin and switchin
concluding and contradicting

i write for few reasons
to remember stuff for someday when i forget it all
and for someone to figure me out
how does one figure some out.. well im not exactly sure

i can see patterns in ppl
i can see insecurity
i can see fears
i can see intentions
i can see feelings
i can sometime see hopes
and by i can see
i mean i can conclude and be pretty accurate
but i can see reasons
i cant see why ppl do the things they do
i cant see what makes them happy
i cant see why what ever makes them happy

but i want some1 to see though things in me

thats basically why my life is written here on live journal
because essentially anyone can see it..
can read and come to there own conclusions..

question is why would anyone spend so much time
well they wouldnt
other than myself i dont know many other ppl
who analyze people as much as i do
who will try to figure someone out
jus cuz

but ya im way past my sleepin schedule
lol ya im actually tryin to make one
i try now cuz it matters the most
i can afford to burn myself out
this is my chance to show that
my two years here werent for nothing
and that even if it was on a whim that i came to this skool
and probably for all the wrong reasons
that i can do great work just like anyone else
with some time and dedication..

but ya goodnite and goodmorning..

oh one more thing.. im goin to start fuckin workin out.. this time i fuckin mean it.. tired of chubby carlo... fuck that shit!!